09 April 2020 marks the day I felt my whole world was crashing down on me. Suffocating me. I didn’t eat/sleep/laugh for weeks. So many thoughts and so many emotions. Why him? Why us? Why this? Why now? Too many whys to digest. I cried an awful lot. I went very quiet. I needed time to just breathe and heal and think. Receiving a diagnosis for your child in a worldwide pandemic, a diagnosis you were not expecting, when you could not leave your house or hug your mum or talk to a friend. That was tough. So very tough. So I had to dig deep. I had to really dig inside me, to summon up the courage to face everyday sometimes hour by hour sometimes minute by minute. My rock (David) stood by me, strong in his upset. Struggling too but unwaivering in his love for us all. I worried instantly about the future, what will happen? how will it happen? I don’t think I can do it! As the days went by I grew stronger. I looked in to my little boys eyes and I saw a pure, deep love staring back at me. He needed me. He loves me and he is happy. I am enough.
You see, whether my little boy will ever walk or talk or dance or sing is irrelevant in my love for him. I loved him before I even met him. I love him as he is now and will love him forever and always. As long as he is happy then I am doing something right. Our little boy does have a very rare genetic condition that will come with its own challenges and problems. But that doesn’t define our little boy! That is just a small part of who he is.
I don’t ask why now. Why doesn’t matter. I don’t want to waste another day worrying anxiously about what life will be like in 5/10/15 years, I want to live in today, I don’t want to miss a single thing. Any anxiety I have today will not change the future. I have been chosen to be his mummy and that I would never change. I will be his biggest advocate. His biggest cheerleader. His loving mummy. Forever and Always.
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